mixed bag

it's a mixed bag of nuts and flakes today...too hot to be outside and yet i feel pulled to be out in my garden digging up weeds. and i have oh, so much to do inside too, none of which i find at all interesting or compelling...i'm basically very lazy - in spurts that is. there are all those books to sort through, pack up and determine when to visit powell's again, stitching to do, rearrange the office to accommodate all of the storage boxes i have for needlepoint threads and fibers, laundry (ugh) and lastly, i guess i could "clean" something - eek~! - no mystery there as there is always something in need of a sponge, dust rag or mop.

there's also the writing i want to capture...books to read, internet to explore, and just basic daydreaming....boy i can get distracted by shining objects pretty quickly.

my oldest niece is on her way to Alaska on a cruise ship out of Seattle...her husband took her as a 40th birthday (btw, Kev - her birthday is in September) gift...wish i had the self confidence to celebrate mine early(...I stopped last year with 60! ) i'm thinking she is going to see some pretty amazing landscapes over the next week. cruises to specific locales - Caribbean, Greek Isles and Alaska are on my list...however, i have no desire to go down along Mexico from either coast.

have this new acquaintance - Stephanie - amazingly beautiful, quirky and funny in a way that i have longed yearned to be and have yet to pull off. she is living her life 'large' for sure. new friendships are similar to having a new beau...road testing takes a few outings to assimilate - but she inferred that i had nice 'energy'...which i do, so this is just the beginning of a new and fun friendship. i love that she has a sense of humor about herself, we both share dysfunctional childhoods and crazy-as-bed-bugs parents...and siblings that we can't seem to disown quietly (for their i.q.s haven't acknowledged the overt signs.). surf's up girlfriend!

until we can coffee clutch again have a great week.

Not to complain, but ouch.

This is Pat Gaylord. She's married to Mike, one of my Mike's oldest friends. They live in ID, and we just saw them earlier this month while vacationing near Coeur d'Alene. Two days after seeing her, she tipped over an ATV and broke her ankle (left) and her right collar bone...spent 4 days in the hospital and is now mobile - chair bound for 10 weeks...so much for her retirement "fun" getaway plans. (Photo taken during our ID trip)
She and Mike have been in "retirement", pretty much the entire 13 years that I've known them - LUCKY, LUCKY them!

The reason I bring this up is that on Friday the 16th I while attending a self-promoting 50th birthday party that my friend Brenda gave herself I lost my footing during a free-for-all "Foot Loose" dance number and sprained my left wrist. Ouch and ouch!  Mike has no sympathy for me, well he has a bit - but he actually wanted me to promise that I would NOT do anymore wild or crazy things! I can't promise that, but I can try to consider the possibilities of flinging myself with abandon into life. I am a rather impulsive person (and he is not), so in looking back at Friday night, the party, the music and the tempo of Foot Loose - nah, I just jumped right up to shake my booty... not a moment of consideration was given over to considering the possible outcome - which I fully expected to be just fine. Chances of that changing anytime soon is pretty remote.

We are in the midst of getting things aligned with being gone for the winter...the kinds of things you don't think about every day. Like the mail service and how you pay your bills, and canceling the paper which i find incredibly hard to even think about, and what to do with the cats???? yikes I might have to consider finding good homes for them.But we are getting the 2nd home prepped for them to join us...lets see how adventurous they are!                                    

Meet Lucy the lap cat - if a lap is near she will be in it.

Lola - a bit camera shy and pretty much a loner, although she does have her moments of lap sitting and "my ears need scratching".

That's enough from me today - even I am bored.

rants and raves of late

someone sent me this cartoon in an email today. the caption is: "The 1st senior moment"....thankfully a senior more senior than moi sent it to me or i might have been offended. (she said with a smirk)  while this isn't a new cartoon to me, it does still create a wave of giggles because I get the sentiment.

yes i have my AARP card....lord knows i am a 'boomer'. late bloomer for sure, for when i look in the mirror i am most always surprised to see an 'old' young me. i don't think old until i find some task a bit more difficult to accomplish than last year, or i am more winded going up a hill on our nightly walks, or someone much younger reminds me that they READ about the assassination of JFK and i can clearly recall the exact moment that i heard the news LIVE!!!!

i also carry a library card...antiquated tho it might me but i don't consider myself 't'hat old.'

i carry a cell phone, can use the text and camera feature and have a FB page - which i use. sure i did take the 30 year plan to finish my college degree...a major goal accomplished and something i truly wish i had had the foresight to complete the first go-around...however, even should i get the "monkey" off my back - the circus will most surely still be in town.

a young boy is missing in our town. from the first weekend reports on television, i have asserted that the step-mother was somehow involved. almost 6 weeks later it appears that so does her soon-to-be ex-husband - the local paper has that reported as recently as this past weekend.  the woman clearly has some challenges. i want to be on her side and yet, i am so not! i don't understand women who have children (whether biological or not) that they then abuse, neglect or murder - it is so easy to not have children these days...but to have them or care for them and then abuse them - unforgivable. i wonder when i will be able to know that i was right-on from the onset of this sad, sad case. a part of me does hope that i will be wrong about her, albeit a very wee part.

last night while driving to my meditation class i was the victim of road rage. a young man tail-gated, honked his horn for 3/4 mi (i was not able to move over for him on the street) because i would not drive over the posted 30 mph speed limit. just as he passed me at a higher rate of speed, he had to slam on his brakes because a mobile speed trap was monitoring the street...i think he got his photo taken :-).....he then drove a ways up the street, stopped and leaned out of the car flipping me off and pumping his fist...when he pulled a left hand turn as if to fall in behind me  - i turned off and detoured around him, ready to stop and call the police should he follow. the entitlements that the young have these days - amazing.

do i have anything more to rant about today? nope, think that's it. i want to go surf amazon for some e-book offerings and find something new and interesting to read.....

aMayzinDeal: Dribs

aMayzinDeal: Dribs

Dribs

I have a cold, or more aptly...the cold has me. I am not a good patient...I don't want anyone fussing over me. I want quiet, juice and sleep. This now means I have to re-plan my road trip...rats! I have previously traveled while being ill - it's even less fun than being at home and sick! So, until I get better - I'm at home. Even had to cancel my volunteer time with NODA today...while I get the irony of being ill and sitting with someone who is transitioning out of this life, I couldn't justify in my mind that my being sick would be harmful...long-term. I just didn't want my germs to be the catalyst for a more immediate departure.

Mike is concerned that I might have given him a germ or two...he should be so lucky! I'm not a great sharer either . Would be happy to share if it weren't for the fact that he'd be relentless in his commentary for the next 5 days. So I won't share.

Believe it is now time to rest....au revoir

APRIL Showers

It's April. A month of showers, flowers and new beginnings. The squirrels have been attacking the bird feeders, even with their own food supply replenished...come on boys....let's not be greedy and major over-eaters.


It's been exactly 3 weeks since I left my job. Still feels a bit like vacation and I am getting tired of the queries about "how it feels".... it Feels Absolutely GREAT! I can not honestly find a negative about not having to get up and go do work that I had no passion for... very difficult to work where there is no transparency and one is considered disloyal for telling the truth.

I am extremely impatient with myself. In speaking with a former colleague a few days ago she indicated that it had taken her about 3 months to 'let go'...really? Going into the whole resigning from the position discussion with my loved ones, I did have that notion in my head that I would need time to decompress from that position. But 3 months? Seriously? I am just now beginning to really understand my part in the dysfunction...I should have left 2 years ago when it became clear that work styles would continue to clash and I no longer wanted to do that type of work. However I will not beat myself up about not leaving...the decision I made at the time was based on information I had at that time. Hindsight is always 20/20.  As much as I would like to completely let go...the process is out of my hands and I will need to find the patience and self awareness to compensate while I trudge the journey and path before me.

My brain is full of ideas of what I would like to do-from absolutely NOTHING to joining the Peace Corps...yes, even at my advanced age. Given that my spouse probably won't want to join me in the Peace Corps I can cross that off my list. School is also an option that I want to ponder and examine as a possibility. Supposedly, and according to those who have written about the process of writing, the actual doing-ness of it allows your subconscious to open to creativity....hopefully that will begin to happen. Of course, the discipline of sitting down in a chair without other distractions is also part of the process....hummmmmm, that means I have to actually sit down to "write". So along with creating a space to return to daily meditation - I also have to create a "writing" space...if God really abhors a vacuum that much space is going to get filled up really quickly!

MY Last Monday

I was on the train to work yesterday thinking about my journey into work on my LAST Monday and I started thinking about the word 'leaving' and how that has manifested in my life. I left home, I left jobs, I left men and husbands, I left college, I left alcohol, I left abusive relationships, I left the church, I left for work many, many mornings, and on this day I was leaving for my last Monday at my job with Mercy Corps. It was both thrilling and bittersweet, and I started to think about synonyms for the word "leave" - depart, pull up stakes, exit, go out, get out, move, change - these were some of the words I found. Interesting, change was one of the words - one of the words in our logo - Be the Change you wish to see in the world, from Ghandi. The change that my leaving is-is positive, and welcomed - by me. 

When I was considering this departure well over a year ago - it was about leaving the work. I did not want to be doing the work...for anyone. But I did not know exactly what it was that I was to be doing, but I knew that it wasn't the work I was doing. I had no passion for it... so I began to  look at all the things that I want to explore...writing, learning to speak Italian, learn to knit something other than a scarf, take a photography class, design a cottage garden, get back to a regular workout regiment - I welcomed the idea of having the time to clean a closet - sad AND wrong! I am tired. I feel the unblocking of my spirit beginning...I feel the creative part of my soul opening..it is just a sliver at the moment, but I feel it. I feel just a bit lighter....there are numerous people that I will miss come Monday morning next, but I will not miss the work. The work I am leaving behind for it is not the work I was meant to be doing....that work is still undetermined. I look forward to what the days and weeks will reveal in the search for change as I exit my current position.

mutter, mutter

 

Vacation on wheels arrives Monday...while I had the day off  I managed to get 2 yearly medical procedures done, a physical therapy session on my knee done - thank god those sessions are nearly over...1 last one on Friday (i think it's the last) and getting prepared to visit the doctor this afternoon...OH, maybe that's why I feel a bit off...being poked, prodded and generally man-handled by a variety of technicians that "aren't that into me" - ahhh, light dawns! I am not fond of all this type of attention...I am a lousy patient. True there is part of me that is competitive, as Anna (the physical therapist wanna-a-be - student) pushes me through my session smiles and chants "just trying to keep you interested" - and I don my 'I can too do this many reps and more' suit...using the equipment has me longing for that time when I can go to the gym and work out for 2 hours without the sense or need to hurry to get done so I can get back to work, get to work or be home with Mike.

Maybe it is because I discovered that I may have wasted time on a thankless task...
I just spent 45 min calling 15 companies to get Mike's mother's name/address off their mail-lists...only to discover that there is a Direct Marketing Association that is a One-STOP shop to do all of them...arghhhhhhhhhh - and this was after 2+ hours on Sunday of preparing the ones without 800 #'s with a mail request...it makes me nuts to think about the lost man-hours creating catalogs that are mailed out, the postage, the trees (heavy sigh) that are lost for paper that is then put in a landfill -  and the aggravation of pulling this stuff out of the mailbox months after she is gone. it's a wonder we all don't go postal at some point...where is the opt-out button for this?

My husband is in the process of driving back (see above) from Eugene OR where he has picked up our new(-to-us) 5th wheel...and will be parking it on a lot near his job...i have already warned him that I will not be getting any closer to it than next Saturday...we have sold the airplane (boohoo) in anticipation of this next chapter of our lives..."for when we retire and see "the good Ol' U S of A", ... or as I refer to it as  " to become a member of the traveling band of gypsies"..."early snowbirds", as we embark on a long held dream of visiting each and every state and soak up as much of our historical culture as is humanly possible...before medicaid, social security and arthritic limbs immobilize our brain cells with pain and discomfort. Every thought is a prayer...so erase those last 10 words and replace them with healthy heart, strong muscles and joints...happy serene thoughts and faith that all is well...!

Happy New Year 2010

January 1, 2010. The beginning of a new year. Fresh start. New beginnings. New challenges. The beginning of the end of my work life career. It's official. I have given my notice to leave my job. Officially it was given on December 21, 2009. Officially my last day is Friday March 12, 2010. I will  become a free agent. Yep, free. Free of the restraints of a clock, both in my bedroom, in my head and at the office. Free of the commute, free of the tasks that have come to represent "chains". I am sleeping better than ever...must be a right decision.

Yesterday I had my first Compassionate Companion Vigil with NODA. I actually was nervous about the process, more hesitant than nervous. I was scheduled on Tuesday Dec 29 and was told Mrs. B had been given 'final rites'...good Catholics tend to follow ritual and form. So I was reasonably sure that she would transition before my shift at 4pm on New Year's eve, afterall she's 94...and in fact was waiting for the phone to ring to 'let me off the hook'...I'm selfish, self-involved and what seemed like a good idea on Tuesday - well, by Thursday it was beginning to feel confined, committed and as something I definitely would have to complete. Gads, did I not think about having these feelings on Tuesday? Was she waiting for me to be there? What exactly had I gotten myself into? You know, the orientation and subsequent follow up meetings didn't really provide a good description of what the process was really about. So, I read through my literature again about what to expect, what I should do and left the house hoping for the best possible outcome. Mrs. B was in the last stages of the death process, and  I felt totally present - it wasn't about me any longer, or what I was or wasn't able to do at that moment, but sitting with her and holding her hand not only provided her with comfort...it gave me a measure of comfort that I am unable to truly describe. It was so serene, in those moments when I wasn't aware of the congested breathing or the soft vocal moans that escaped. I knew that she knew she wasn't alone, that someone cared about her journey and was there for her. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be 'present'. Mrs B made her transition in the early morning hours of New Years day. I continue to breathe and walk my journey - reminding myself to be 'present'.

I think about that now. About the times I wasn't able to able to be present in my life, my parents/siblings lives - the process for me is slow, painful and unending. I am on the path of forgiveness, attempting to live an authentic life and acquire the necessary tools to accomplish both forgiveness and authenticity.

I am sitting here, looking out the window at a hummingbird feeding, a blue jay and a robin sitting on a branch - sharing the same tree and know that I too can share the branches of my life with those I believe to be foreign to me...Spring is coming. New beginnings are too!