mutter, mutter

 

Vacation on wheels arrives Monday...while I had the day off  I managed to get 2 yearly medical procedures done, a physical therapy session on my knee done - thank god those sessions are nearly over...1 last one on Friday (i think it's the last) and getting prepared to visit the doctor this afternoon...OH, maybe that's why I feel a bit off...being poked, prodded and generally man-handled by a variety of technicians that "aren't that into me" - ahhh, light dawns! I am not fond of all this type of attention...I am a lousy patient. True there is part of me that is competitive, as Anna (the physical therapist wanna-a-be - student) pushes me through my session smiles and chants "just trying to keep you interested" - and I don my 'I can too do this many reps and more' suit...using the equipment has me longing for that time when I can go to the gym and work out for 2 hours without the sense or need to hurry to get done so I can get back to work, get to work or be home with Mike.

Maybe it is because I discovered that I may have wasted time on a thankless task...
I just spent 45 min calling 15 companies to get Mike's mother's name/address off their mail-lists...only to discover that there is a Direct Marketing Association that is a One-STOP shop to do all of them...arghhhhhhhhhh - and this was after 2+ hours on Sunday of preparing the ones without 800 #'s with a mail request...it makes me nuts to think about the lost man-hours creating catalogs that are mailed out, the postage, the trees (heavy sigh) that are lost for paper that is then put in a landfill -  and the aggravation of pulling this stuff out of the mailbox months after she is gone. it's a wonder we all don't go postal at some point...where is the opt-out button for this?

My husband is in the process of driving back (see above) from Eugene OR where he has picked up our new(-to-us) 5th wheel...and will be parking it on a lot near his job...i have already warned him that I will not be getting any closer to it than next Saturday...we have sold the airplane (boohoo) in anticipation of this next chapter of our lives..."for when we retire and see "the good Ol' U S of A", ... or as I refer to it as  " to become a member of the traveling band of gypsies"..."early snowbirds", as we embark on a long held dream of visiting each and every state and soak up as much of our historical culture as is humanly possible...before medicaid, social security and arthritic limbs immobilize our brain cells with pain and discomfort. Every thought is a prayer...so erase those last 10 words and replace them with healthy heart, strong muscles and joints...happy serene thoughts and faith that all is well...!

Happy New Year 2010

January 1, 2010. The beginning of a new year. Fresh start. New beginnings. New challenges. The beginning of the end of my work life career. It's official. I have given my notice to leave my job. Officially it was given on December 21, 2009. Officially my last day is Friday March 12, 2010. I will  become a free agent. Yep, free. Free of the restraints of a clock, both in my bedroom, in my head and at the office. Free of the commute, free of the tasks that have come to represent "chains". I am sleeping better than ever...must be a right decision.

Yesterday I had my first Compassionate Companion Vigil with NODA. I actually was nervous about the process, more hesitant than nervous. I was scheduled on Tuesday Dec 29 and was told Mrs. B had been given 'final rites'...good Catholics tend to follow ritual and form. So I was reasonably sure that she would transition before my shift at 4pm on New Year's eve, afterall she's 94...and in fact was waiting for the phone to ring to 'let me off the hook'...I'm selfish, self-involved and what seemed like a good idea on Tuesday - well, by Thursday it was beginning to feel confined, committed and as something I definitely would have to complete. Gads, did I not think about having these feelings on Tuesday? Was she waiting for me to be there? What exactly had I gotten myself into? You know, the orientation and subsequent follow up meetings didn't really provide a good description of what the process was really about. So, I read through my literature again about what to expect, what I should do and left the house hoping for the best possible outcome. Mrs. B was in the last stages of the death process, and  I felt totally present - it wasn't about me any longer, or what I was or wasn't able to do at that moment, but sitting with her and holding her hand not only provided her with comfort...it gave me a measure of comfort that I am unable to truly describe. It was so serene, in those moments when I wasn't aware of the congested breathing or the soft vocal moans that escaped. I knew that she knew she wasn't alone, that someone cared about her journey and was there for her. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be 'present'. Mrs B made her transition in the early morning hours of New Years day. I continue to breathe and walk my journey - reminding myself to be 'present'.

I think about that now. About the times I wasn't able to able to be present in my life, my parents/siblings lives - the process for me is slow, painful and unending. I am on the path of forgiveness, attempting to live an authentic life and acquire the necessary tools to accomplish both forgiveness and authenticity.

I am sitting here, looking out the window at a hummingbird feeding, a blue jay and a robin sitting on a branch - sharing the same tree and know that I too can share the branches of my life with those I believe to be foreign to me...Spring is coming. New beginnings are too!

Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas 2009
Happy Holidays people!

LIFE  Today
It's Christmas Eve day and I'm home until Monday December 28th. Like everyone I have had some moments of reflection and reviewing of the past 12 months...gosh it has been a packed year! I am sitting in my office looking out the window and it is sunny - same day last year, 18 inches of snow and no Christmas in sight! Both Mike and I had procrastinated in getting gifts and the onset of the 2 week snow had just messed with us and the whole gift giving never happened...we even missed out on on our anniversary because of the weather. So the fact that I am somewhat ready is amazing AND considering a walk in the 'hood is the good news!

Work continues to be a four-letter word. I have so many other things that I would like to be doing - none which fall under the heading of 'work for $$$$'. I think about writing that novel that has eluded me for years, learning Italian, driving cross country, taking a photography class, volunteering, going to the gym every day, doing silent retreat, reading Anna Karenina and East or Eden...watching the Late Show and sleeping in late. Am positive there is other stuff...2010 will be the year to start doing some of those things.


FAMILY - we lost Mike's mom in October. Her passing has left a huge hole in our lives.
I continue to resist full frontal contact with either of my sisters. Email is the closest I can get right now...parts of me wishes that was different - I am uncertain as to changing it - feels like a lot of emotional distress and work - again, the four letter word. God I am lazy!
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Took a wee break there and left the building. We walked, for the first time in a month. My knee is really sore (surgery scheduled for next month) but I trudged on! Ibuprofen to the rescue... 

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That's all the reflecting I will do for today...more to be reviewed...I am to engrossed with the squirrel climbing up and down the cedar tree to write anything more today

MERRY HO-HO WORLD...
SNAP - T'was the night before...