Happy New Year 2010

January 1, 2010. The beginning of a new year. Fresh start. New beginnings. New challenges. The beginning of the end of my work life career. It's official. I have given my notice to leave my job. Officially it was given on December 21, 2009. Officially my last day is Friday March 12, 2010. I will  become a free agent. Yep, free. Free of the restraints of a clock, both in my bedroom, in my head and at the office. Free of the commute, free of the tasks that have come to represent "chains". I am sleeping better than ever...must be a right decision.

Yesterday I had my first Compassionate Companion Vigil with NODA. I actually was nervous about the process, more hesitant than nervous. I was scheduled on Tuesday Dec 29 and was told Mrs. B had been given 'final rites'...good Catholics tend to follow ritual and form. So I was reasonably sure that she would transition before my shift at 4pm on New Year's eve, afterall she's 94...and in fact was waiting for the phone to ring to 'let me off the hook'...I'm selfish, self-involved and what seemed like a good idea on Tuesday - well, by Thursday it was beginning to feel confined, committed and as something I definitely would have to complete. Gads, did I not think about having these feelings on Tuesday? Was she waiting for me to be there? What exactly had I gotten myself into? You know, the orientation and subsequent follow up meetings didn't really provide a good description of what the process was really about. So, I read through my literature again about what to expect, what I should do and left the house hoping for the best possible outcome. Mrs. B was in the last stages of the death process, and  I felt totally present - it wasn't about me any longer, or what I was or wasn't able to do at that moment, but sitting with her and holding her hand not only provided her with comfort...it gave me a measure of comfort that I am unable to truly describe. It was so serene, in those moments when I wasn't aware of the congested breathing or the soft vocal moans that escaped. I knew that she knew she wasn't alone, that someone cared about her journey and was there for her. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be 'present'. Mrs B made her transition in the early morning hours of New Years day. I continue to breathe and walk my journey - reminding myself to be 'present'.

I think about that now. About the times I wasn't able to able to be present in my life, my parents/siblings lives - the process for me is slow, painful and unending. I am on the path of forgiveness, attempting to live an authentic life and acquire the necessary tools to accomplish both forgiveness and authenticity.

I am sitting here, looking out the window at a hummingbird feeding, a blue jay and a robin sitting on a branch - sharing the same tree and know that I too can share the branches of my life with those I believe to be foreign to me...Spring is coming. New beginnings are too!

Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas 2009
Happy Holidays people!

LIFE  Today
It's Christmas Eve day and I'm home until Monday December 28th. Like everyone I have had some moments of reflection and reviewing of the past 12 months...gosh it has been a packed year! I am sitting in my office looking out the window and it is sunny - same day last year, 18 inches of snow and no Christmas in sight! Both Mike and I had procrastinated in getting gifts and the onset of the 2 week snow had just messed with us and the whole gift giving never happened...we even missed out on on our anniversary because of the weather. So the fact that I am somewhat ready is amazing AND considering a walk in the 'hood is the good news!

Work continues to be a four-letter word. I have so many other things that I would like to be doing - none which fall under the heading of 'work for $$$$'. I think about writing that novel that has eluded me for years, learning Italian, driving cross country, taking a photography class, volunteering, going to the gym every day, doing silent retreat, reading Anna Karenina and East or Eden...watching the Late Show and sleeping in late. Am positive there is other stuff...2010 will be the year to start doing some of those things.


FAMILY - we lost Mike's mom in October. Her passing has left a huge hole in our lives.
I continue to resist full frontal contact with either of my sisters. Email is the closest I can get right now...parts of me wishes that was different - I am uncertain as to changing it - feels like a lot of emotional distress and work - again, the four letter word. God I am lazy!
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Took a wee break there and left the building. We walked, for the first time in a month. My knee is really sore (surgery scheduled for next month) but I trudged on! Ibuprofen to the rescue... 

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That's all the reflecting I will do for today...more to be reviewed...I am to engrossed with the squirrel climbing up and down the cedar tree to write anything more today

MERRY HO-HO WORLD...
SNAP - T'was the night before...

Found this from 11/24/2009 draft...but will post today nonetheless

Dear Tuesday...you kinda suck!
I'm totally stealing that line from a friend's FB post from a week ago. It's true, it's Tuesday and although the sun is out, I am in and it sucks!!!! I continue moving one stack of papers and folders from one side of my desk to the other....I cruise through emails and want to scream at the mindlessness of it all....why were we all not given, at birth, the endless pile of money that would sustain us for our long lives and we could all dance and sing our way through life?