Dribs

I have a cold, or more aptly...the cold has me. I am not a good patient...I don't want anyone fussing over me. I want quiet, juice and sleep. This now means I have to re-plan my road trip...rats! I have previously traveled while being ill - it's even less fun than being at home and sick! So, until I get better - I'm at home. Even had to cancel my volunteer time with NODA today...while I get the irony of being ill and sitting with someone who is transitioning out of this life, I couldn't justify in my mind that my being sick would be harmful...long-term. I just didn't want my germs to be the catalyst for a more immediate departure.

Mike is concerned that I might have given him a germ or two...he should be so lucky! I'm not a great sharer either . Would be happy to share if it weren't for the fact that he'd be relentless in his commentary for the next 5 days. So I won't share.

Believe it is now time to rest....au revoir

APRIL Showers

It's April. A month of showers, flowers and new beginnings. The squirrels have been attacking the bird feeders, even with their own food supply replenished...come on boys....let's not be greedy and major over-eaters.


It's been exactly 3 weeks since I left my job. Still feels a bit like vacation and I am getting tired of the queries about "how it feels".... it Feels Absolutely GREAT! I can not honestly find a negative about not having to get up and go do work that I had no passion for... very difficult to work where there is no transparency and one is considered disloyal for telling the truth.

I am extremely impatient with myself. In speaking with a former colleague a few days ago she indicated that it had taken her about 3 months to 'let go'...really? Going into the whole resigning from the position discussion with my loved ones, I did have that notion in my head that I would need time to decompress from that position. But 3 months? Seriously? I am just now beginning to really understand my part in the dysfunction...I should have left 2 years ago when it became clear that work styles would continue to clash and I no longer wanted to do that type of work. However I will not beat myself up about not leaving...the decision I made at the time was based on information I had at that time. Hindsight is always 20/20.  As much as I would like to completely let go...the process is out of my hands and I will need to find the patience and self awareness to compensate while I trudge the journey and path before me.

My brain is full of ideas of what I would like to do-from absolutely NOTHING to joining the Peace Corps...yes, even at my advanced age. Given that my spouse probably won't want to join me in the Peace Corps I can cross that off my list. School is also an option that I want to ponder and examine as a possibility. Supposedly, and according to those who have written about the process of writing, the actual doing-ness of it allows your subconscious to open to creativity....hopefully that will begin to happen. Of course, the discipline of sitting down in a chair without other distractions is also part of the process....hummmmmm, that means I have to actually sit down to "write". So along with creating a space to return to daily meditation - I also have to create a "writing" space...if God really abhors a vacuum that much space is going to get filled up really quickly!

MY Last Monday

I was on the train to work yesterday thinking about my journey into work on my LAST Monday and I started thinking about the word 'leaving' and how that has manifested in my life. I left home, I left jobs, I left men and husbands, I left college, I left alcohol, I left abusive relationships, I left the church, I left for work many, many mornings, and on this day I was leaving for my last Monday at my job with Mercy Corps. It was both thrilling and bittersweet, and I started to think about synonyms for the word "leave" - depart, pull up stakes, exit, go out, get out, move, change - these were some of the words I found. Interesting, change was one of the words - one of the words in our logo - Be the Change you wish to see in the world, from Ghandi. The change that my leaving is-is positive, and welcomed - by me. 

When I was considering this departure well over a year ago - it was about leaving the work. I did not want to be doing the work...for anyone. But I did not know exactly what it was that I was to be doing, but I knew that it wasn't the work I was doing. I had no passion for it... so I began to  look at all the things that I want to explore...writing, learning to speak Italian, learn to knit something other than a scarf, take a photography class, design a cottage garden, get back to a regular workout regiment - I welcomed the idea of having the time to clean a closet - sad AND wrong! I am tired. I feel the unblocking of my spirit beginning...I feel the creative part of my soul opening..it is just a sliver at the moment, but I feel it. I feel just a bit lighter....there are numerous people that I will miss come Monday morning next, but I will not miss the work. The work I am leaving behind for it is not the work I was meant to be doing....that work is still undetermined. I look forward to what the days and weeks will reveal in the search for change as I exit my current position.